"You Have At Least One Friend"
John 15:9-17
Sunday, August 26, 2012

Introduction: When it comes to friends I feel like I have been very blessed. I have many who I would call “good friends”. I have friends whom I have reconnected with after 25 years. I have a friend who has been my friend for over 30 years! It is good to have people in your life that you can consider your friend.

            This morning I want to talk about friendships. I want us to think about what makes a good friend, how do you deal with struggles in your friendships, and what should be important to you in your friendships.

A good friendship is a relationship that is characterized by enjoyment, acceptance, and genuine mutual concern. So let’s think about some facts regarding friendships.

I.                   Facts About Friendship- (John 15:9-17)

a.      Chemistry- Fact 1: Have you ever noticed that friendship is a

chemistry thing? When you develop a friendship, it is usually because you have some part of your life in common with that other person. Even more, there is something about that other person that you connect with. You are comfortable in their presence and enjoy being with them.

            I think about the people that I have become friends with, and it is always because I have a connection with them in regards to sports, or God, or something that we both like to do. When I think of my friend of 30 years, Dean, I remember back when we first met. We became friends first of all because we were both going to the College Group at our church, but even more because we shared an interest in racquetball. Once we started playing together we enjoyed each other’s company and started to hang out more often. At this point it grew into a deeper friendship.

b.      Other people cannot fix your friend problems- Fact 2: You will have

problems from time to time in your friendships. Any good friendship will have some kind of conflict. However, a second fact is that other people cannot fix your friend problems!

            As a minister there have been many times when people come to talk to me about their “friend” problems. Often times, if I know the other person, they want me to talk to that person for them, hoping that I can resolve their conflict. However, to fix your friend problems you and the other person must come together to talk it out. Only through good communication, and a willingness to forgive and move on, can our conflicts be managed well.

c.      Enjoyment alone creates very shallow friendships- Fact 3: enjoyment

alone in a friendship creates a very shallow friendship. Meaning, that if you or the other person are only friends because of the fun you like to have together, your friendship will never grow deep. You have probably heard of a fair weathered friend? That is a friend who is only in the relationship for what you can do for them. Maybe you have a car, and they like you because you drive them places. Or, maybe you have connections that help them.

            The questions you might want to ask is this: Will this person be there for me in times of trouble? Can I call on them if I have a need? If not, then you know that this person is more of an acquaintance than a friend. That doesn’t mean they can’t become a good friend, but they aren’t right now.

d.      Acceptance can be bad or good- Fact 4: Acceptance can be bad or

good. What I mean by this is that we want a friend who accepts us, and who we accept, and that can be a good thing in friendships. But sometimes there are things in their lives that we shouldn’t accept, or things in our lives that they shouldn’t accept. Tolerance is a popular word in our culture now. But God doesn’t want us to be tolerant of everything. There are some things that are wrong, and we should speak against them.

            For a friendship to be meaningful and deep, there must be accountability.

EX. I remember a time when I was in high school, and I was at this music camp. For whatever reason, I became pretty popular at the camp. This popularity started to go to my head and change my behavior. I remember this good friend I had, Peter, came up to me one day and said: “Chris, I don’t like who you have become. You are stuck up. If you keep acting this way I won’t hang around you anymore!”

            Wow! Peter told it to me straight. At first I was mad at him and didn’t talk to him. But as I thought about what he said I realized that he was right. I was not a person people wanted to be with anymore. So I decided to change. I am glad that Peter, as a friend, was willing to tell me the truth. We need accountability in our lives for when we do things wrong or misbehave.

e.      God wants us to start with His standard- Fact 5: When we become a

Christian, we need to take on a new standard; God’s. The Bible is clear that we become new creations, and need to take on the lifestyle and beliefs of Jesus Christ. This is to be our standard. It should affect how we think, live, and relate to others.

            You and I are godly only when God is alive in us! Our friendships need to be filtered through God’s word and God’s will. This might mean that some of the people who we were friends with before we were Christians won’t be the same kind of friends with us after we are Christians. It is difficult to be good friends with non-believers, because their beliefs and behavior are often not in line with God’s word.

            This goes back to the whole tolerance idea as well. When we become Christians, it should lead us to a lifestyle change. It should also lead us to talk to our friends about Jesus Christ and the change He can make in their lives. If and when we see them not living as Christ would have them to live, we should talk to them about it, not just accept that this is how they will behave. We should lift up God’s standard in our own lives, and encourage God’s standard in the lives of others.

f.       Friends influence the quality and direction of our lives- Fact 6: We

need to understand that those who we consider friends will influence the quality and direction of our lives. If we want to live godly lives, then we need godly people as our friends. We want people in our lives that will direct us to God and godly living!

            EX. Think about what happened when Jesus came into the lives of the disciples. He called them away from their jobs to learn how to be godly. He called them from the careers they had, to become preachers of God’s word. He challenged them in how they thought and how they lived.

            In John chapter 15, Jesus talked about how He considered the disciples to be His friends. In verses 10 and 14 Jesus talked about what He expected of them: “When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in His love…You are my friends if you do what I command.” To be Jesus’ friend meant that they had to live a different life, a life that followed the teachings and commands of Jesus!

II.                God’s Ideal Friendship- (John 15:11, 22:15-19; Psalm 16:11; Romans 5:8)

God does have an ideal for what makes a good friendship; for what makes a lasting friendship; for what makes a life-changing friendship. First of all when we live in this ideal, we will be filled with joy.

a.      Filled with joy- I don’t know about you, but I have had friendships

that have brought me joy, and others that have brought me heartache. Jesus wanted His disciples, and wants us, to have friendships that bring us joy. That is why Jesus said in John 15:11, “I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow.” Doesn’t that sound great?

            So, what has Jesus told them? Think back to our John 15:9-17 reading: Jesus talks about remaining in God’s love, following the commandments, loving others as Jesus has loved you, laying down your life for another, and producing lasting fruit.

            If you were to think of the friendships that you have, do they help you to remain in God’s love, or do they pull you away from God? Do your friends follow God’s commands and encourage you to do the same? Are your friendships helping you to produce fruit for the kingdom of God? When you have friendships like this, you will see all these things come about, and you will be filled with joy.

b.      Acceptance- Next, we live in the ideal of acceptance. What makes

Jesus such a great friend, and a great example of how a friend should be, is that Jesus accepts us even in our sin. Romans 5:8 tells us: “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Christ didn’t tell us that we had to change before He would die for us. He knew we had sin, and chose to die for us anyway.

            However, even though God accepts us as sinners, He doesn’t want us to stay in that lifestyle. He knows that there is so much more that we can do and become. When we are lost in sin, we are held back. So in the midst of the acceptance, there is challenge. In John chapter 21, when Jesus comes to Peter, He shows Peter that He still loves him, even though Peter denied Jesus three times in Jesus’ darkest hour. Three times Jesus asks Peter if Peter loves Him. Peter says yes all three times. In this Jesus was telling Peter that He still accepted him. But then Jesus tells Peter to go and feed His sheep. In other words, grow from your mistakes and learn how to live for God all the more!

A good friend will not stop loving us because we do wrong, but a good friend will also challenge us to rise above our mistakes.

c.      Genuine and mutual concern- The third ideal is having a genuine and

mutual concern for your friend. Remember how I told you about a fair weathered friend? To be a good friend means that you are not in the friendship for what they can do for you, but rather for what you can do for them. Now hopefully the feeling and effort is mutual, and you receive back from your friend. But of first importance is what are your motivations for being a friend to this other person!

            As a pastor I have had people who have pretended to be my friend hoping that they can get something from me. Maybe they want money from the church. Maybe they want some kind of role in the church. Maybe they think that being my friend will get them extra special blessings from God. Whatever it is, they are not true to me in the friendship.

            To have genuine concern for another person means you care about who they are, and what is going on in their life. You take time to get to know them. You are there for them if they have a need. And a good friendship will have mutuality. Meaning that the other person is genuinely concerned about you and what is going on in your life. They will want to be there for you in the good times and the bad. They will show that they care by making time for you.

III.             What Good Friendships Look Like- (Luke 6:37)

Let’s now put this all together and look at what good friendships should look like. In this section I will do some summarizing, hopefully driving the points home that I have already made, but I will also add a little more to them.

a.      Your interest- First you will be more interested in the other person

than you are in the friendship itself. This might sound obvious, but often times this is not how friendships are lived out.

            What does this mean to care more about the person than the friendship? It means that you want to make your friend a better person, and you want them to make you a better person. Now this is tricky, because the truth is we can’t change anyone, we can only change ourselves. Along with this, we don’t want to make them feel like they are defective.

          Let’s go back to my friendship with Peter. Peter wanted me to change because my behavior had gone awry. He did this by telling me that if I didn’t change, he wasn’t going to hang out with me anymore. This might have been a little extreme, but it was effective in this situation. He didn’t try and change me, he challenged me to change myself. He forced me to look at myself and who I was becoming. Once I looked deep at who I had become, I had a choice, I could continue in my behavior, or seek to stop being conceited and stuck up. I could continue to act like I was better than other people, or I could start being concerned about others again.

b.      Tell the truth- This then leads us to being people who are willing to

tell the truth. Again, this can be tricky if you don’t do it right. There are certain things that have to be handled with care.

EX. Like the GEICO commercial that asks: could switching to GEICO really save you 15% or more on car insurance? Was Abe Lincoln honest? Then they show Mary Todd Lincoln asking Abraham Lincoln, ‘Does this dress make my backside look big?’ Abraham Lincoln hesitates for a minute and then says, “Well…” At this Mary Todd Lincoln storms off!

            Part of being able to be honest with our friends is establishing first that you genuinely care. If they know you care, then they will be more willing to hear the truth from you. The truth is that not all outfits look good on us. So if I tell Tami that she looks better in one outfit than in another, she doesn’t take offense by it.

            When you keep people accountable, there might be times when they don’t like you for a while. This is because we have lost the importance of allowing ourselves to be held accountable. We live in a world that no longer lives in moral absolutes; in the truth that there is a right way to live and a wrong way to live. Deep, meaningful relationships will allow room for accountability!

c.      Acceptance without judgment- Lastly, we need to accept people

without judgment. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that you approve of everything someone does, if they are doing wrong. I am just saying that we are not to judge. This is because we are not called to be judges of others. God has made it clear that He is the judge!

            So you make sure that your friends know that you love them. You make sure that they understand that you will be unconditional in your love. But you also make it clear that you do not condone sinful behavior. You love them through their sin. And as the friendship grows, and becomes genuine, then they will accept the challenges you bring to their lives.

            This happens in a marriage all the time. I tend to be a little more the disciplinarian in our family, and sometimes I react in ways that are not the best. Tami will call me on this. I need to accept this from her not as a judgment against me, but as a reminder of where I have fallen short. Likewise, sometimes I need to challenge Tami in not being so lenient, and she will accept this from me as well!

As Jesus said in Luke 6:37, “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

            Acceptance without judgment. Loving others with challenge.

Conclusion: Our friendships are one of the most important aspects of our lives. The friends we have will lead us to be stronger in our Christian faith, or pull us away from God. Know who you are in Christ. Know that Christ has called you to remain in God’s love, follow the commandments, love others as Jesus has loves you, lay down your life for another, and produce lasting fruit.

            Let all of this be your filter through which you test your friendships. If they fall short at all, seek God in how you can make them deeper and more founded on the Lord. And if you don’t have that many deep Christian friendships, know that in Christ you have at least one friend. If you commit yourself to Christ, and pray for godly friends, the Lord will bring them to you! Amen.